Cable...It Should be Free

Two months ago I focused my gift of gab toward the good people at the cable company and pulled off what is possibly my greatest Jedi mind trick ever--I got cable for $15. Not just basic cable, I got premium cable along with a Tivo subscription and HD channels. It took about an hour, but I finally convinced them to charge me what it was really worth. I won't share with you how I did it...A bullshit artist never reveals his tricks, but I must say that 800 channels of cable programming at fifteen bucks...

IS STILL A RIP OFF!

I haven't had cable for a while. I mean years. What the hell happened? I don't know what the hell feminist revolution swept through the FCC, but there are shows about Army Wives, Housewives in California, Housewives in Atlanta, Housewives in DC and now there's some really stupid shit called Football and Basketball Wives. What's weird about the latter is that none of them seem to be married. How the hell are you a housewife if

A) You don't stay home
B) Yo ass aint married

I watched one episode and spent the majority of the time trying to figure out why I should take you seriously when you've chosen to define yourself as basically, "The chick that got pregnant by (insert basketball player's name)."

I remember a time when reality shows were things like The Real World and Road Rules. Now granted, those shows had no point either, but what the fuck is this shit about pawnshop owners??? I forget what the show was called, but PAWNSHOPS! Really??? There was a show on about people who go around to storage facilities and bid on stuff that the owners left behind. Who the hell cares? I think that some TV exec is really smelling himself right now. I would if I were him. How good are you that you can get millions of people to watch the most asinine and mundane activities in the world as if it were the damn Superbowl.

Parking Wars, Towing Wars, (that pawnshop show), there's a show about people crabbing, a show about lobstermen, and there is even a damn show about people who cut down trees. It's like A&E is the new PBS for adults. This aint The Electric Company. What the hell?

The Food Network hasn't let me down, except with The Neelys. No real Black couple is that damn lovey dovey all the time. Also, what the hell is up with the Black girl on the other show who has the bad weave? She cooks stuff that Black people don't even eat. Whenever she makes stuff she doesn't even look like she plans on eating it when the cameras cut off. At least Rachel Ray's sprite looking self pretends that the food is good, even though I know she spits that stuff out in her little counter trash bowl as soon as they yell cut.

And what the hell happened to Discovery Health? Damn Oprah. I'm glad you got your "own" network (see what I did there?) but did it have to come at the expense of me actually learning something about the world that does not involve the lame ass people who didn't make it on your show?

When my little two year contract is up, I'm going back to regular TV. I can't conceive of paying regular price for a cable lineup when NONE of the music video channels play music videos anymore. You're telling me that I have to pay extra for MTV6 because MTV 1-5 don't play music videos anymore? Damn I miss The Box.