Ode to Skybus

So apparently there was a little snowstorm that came through and left a bunch of people stranded at the airport. Ahhhh, that brings back memories:

Anyone remember Skybus? I do!

Back in 2008 I had to go to a wedding in Ohio. Skybus was the new airline that was supposed to blow Jet Blue and Southwest out of the water with their $10 fares. To cut costs they didn't have a call center or a staffed window at the airport. The first 10 tickets were $10 and from there the prices went up to like $30 max. I figured I'd give them a chance and that's when I learned that being ghetto isn't limited to race.

First off I had to drive an hour to the smallest airport in Greensboro, NC. Second, when the plane pulled up I noticed that it didn't dock at the terminal. We had to literally walk out of the airport, down the tarmac and walk up a series of ramps to get on the plane. They also hit a metrobus move by painting a huge Nationwide Insurance ad all over the plane. Hey, can't knock the hustle. I get on the plane and get a seat down in front.

All of a sudden a woman in a black sweatsuit walks to the front of the plane. I'm thinking she's a passenger going to the bathroom. Nope. She's the flight attendant. Before starting the safety speech, she tells us that this message was sponsored by Nationwide Insurance and like two other companies. After the speech about exits and flotation devices she gives us the spiel about how Skybus is a little different than most airlines. For starters, no free anything. Pillows were $5, blankets were $10 (but you could keep them as souvenirs). Peanuts were $2, cans of soda were $3 and (here's the kicker) once we reach cruising altitude, the QVC cart would be coming by.

Yep, they were selling jewelry, electronics and clothes on the plane. I slept through that but did wake up just before we landed. The pilot gave the usual "weather, time and thanks for flying" speech but at the end he said (and I'm not making this up) "It's 54 degrees in Columbus today, but a nice 85 in Fort Lauderdale. As a matter of fact, this plane will be heading there from Columbus. For last minute tickets at the bargain of $20 please see the flight attendant and remain on board."

Now if that wasn't ghetto enough for you, guess what happened when I got off? The damn company went bankrupt. I don't mean a week or a month later. No, five minutes after I got off...about the same amount of time it took to walk from the runway to the terminal since they didn't lease gates at airports...I looked up on the TV in the baggage claim and the crawl on the bottom of CNN said, "Skybus files bankruptcy."

The whole drive to the hotel I was thinking, damn I was lucky that I got my flight before they closed down. I guess tomorrow will be my last flight with them. WRONG! That day was my last flight. I got to the hotel and checked on the computer. Their website stated that due to rising fuel costs they were shutting d0wn at midnight. Anyone interested in a refund should call their credit card company to inquire about travel insurance claims.

For the next hour I tried in vain to find a return ticket under $700. I ended up renting a car and driving twelve hours through torrential rain back to NC. When I got to the airport I saw maybe five Skybus planes sitting off the runway with boots on them. I'm not making this up. They had these bright orange covers on the engine that said "Do not move this plane."

It was the most expensive $10 I've ever spent.

In Loving Memory...

In loving memory of
The Modern Black Sitcom/Drama
1990's-mid 2000's

Gone but not forgotten:

The Cosby Show

A Different World

The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

In the House

Martin

Living Single

New York Undercover

In Living Color

Roc

The Sinbad Show

Thea

Hanging With Mr. Cooper

Family Matters

Malcolm and Eddie

The Steve Harvey Show

The Jamie Foxx Show

The Wayans Brothers

Moesha

All of Us

Eve

Half and Half

The Hughleys

One on One

Girlfriends

The Parkers

My Wife and Kids

Everybody Hates Chris

Is That Kyle?

It's a sad day in Toon Town when Kyle Barker is shopping at Marshalls. Did anyone else catch the TJ Maxx/ Marshalls commercial with the people walking through the mall singing a semi-Christmas carol about spending too much? For some reason, my eyes always focus in on the token Black person in every commercial, and this time my mouth dropped to see TC Carson aka Kyle Barker from Living Single.

It always hurts to see a beloved actor fall from grace and end up doing commercials--especially a Black one. Living Single was Fox's bread and butter and one point, but no one seemed to take off from that show besides Queen Latifah. I don't blame anyone for it; Showbiz is brutal. I think I would rather someone disappear altogether than go backwards down the acting ladder...then again, a brother's gotta eat.

Agnosticism Sucks...Sometimes

It kinda sucks being Agnostic. Before I continue, that is not the same as autistic. Yes, someone actually asked me that. "You speak so well, I didn't know you were, you know, retarded." Agnostic is basically the equivalent of being "on the fence" when it comes to God and religion. It's different than atheism where you don't believe in anything at all.

So where was I? Oh yeah, it sucks. Like right now we're approaching Christmas. Facebook is littered with people talking about Jesus' birthday and I can't really say anything. You see, I don't have a problem with religion at all. I used to be a die-hard Christian and not just the Sunday-only Christian either. How I got to this point is a long story. I'll just say that I didn't have a bad experience, no one from the church did me dirty. My belief structure changed without a bad experience serving as a catalyst. I throw that in there because the minute you tell some people that you don't go to church they go the route of "the bad experience" and "try my church."

Anyway, it's hard because, while I don't have beef with church, I do have an issue with 1) inaccurate information being broadcast all over the place and 2) having to keep my mouth shut. I looooove to voice my opinion, but it's dangerous when religion is the topic. I don't want to be misinterpreted as trying to bash it and at the same time I don't want to plant a seed of doubt in anyone's faith. A lot of people need faith to get by. Life is hard enough as it is. Some people can't function without something deeper to believe in.

So that's why it sucks. Just to give a small example...Jesus' name wasn't Jesus. It irked me as a Christian to hear people swinging for the fences with the "unless you plead the blood of Jesus and profess his 'true name' you will go to hell." The letter J didn't exist back then, neither did the sound that J makes. His name was Yeshua and Jesus is just the result of that name being translated into different languages with different sounds.

Another small bite of info that shouldn't cause any major pitchfork and torch brigades: Palestine is pretty cold in December. No shepherd would be out during that time. Instead it was probably either in the spring or early fall that Jesus would've been born. December 25th was, however, the observance of Saturnalia--a "pagan" ritual. It is historical record that to help with the adoption of Christianity by the "pagans," a lot of holidays and celebrations were merged together.

Now if you're a Christian, none of that should really dissuade you from your beliefs. It doesn't matter if you have the wrong birthday or the wrong name, because the idea is still the same. As a non-Christian though...you can see how it can be slightly frustrating. It also doesn't help that everywhere you turn (mostly facebook) you run into people who speak only in scripture. If the name is wrong, imagine what the "words in red" were at one point. I can't say anything though, because that would lead into the very thing I hope to avoid.

It's frustrating when people can make their view point heard without meaning to annoy or offend, but the minute I say "I'm not a Christian" I run into heavy opposition and become labeled as the antichrist.

How they get you.

I feel like I neglect this section of the site. It's easy to write about my crazy thoughts, but a lot harder to write about parenting. For one thing, I'm very blunt and to the point. I don't want things to be misread as unhappy with the baby. Second, I have a very "interesting" sense of humor. I don't want people calling Child Services over a joke that is mistaken as serious. But if I am to evolve as a writer, I guess I have to write what's close to my heart so...

Baby for sale!

For sale is a slightly worn black baby. Approximately 2 feet tall by .5 foot wide and .33 foot deep. Has slight scratches from her long fingernails.

This baby is insane. I often write about how she doubles as a human coupon because most cashiers wanna talk to her, play with her and either make mistakes on my charge or give me a discount. There are some dark sides to the story too though. I'm just now strong enough within myself to write about them.

For one, the baby beats me. Those little fingers are strong and, when she curls them up into a fist and starts swinging in protest of being put in the stroller/car seat, I have to remind myself that it's a child hitting me and not give into the reflex that tells me to bop and weave. Those tiger legs are nothing to sleep on either. Changing a diaper can be life and death some days. If I miss "nail clipping day" then those little toe nails are like talons or something. I have no doubt that, if she needed to, my daughter could easily catch a salmon swimming upstream with her bare feet.

Shit.
No explanation really needed with that one. The baby shits as if there's money in it for her. In her mind, there is a contest where prizes are given based on who can shit through their clothes at the most inopportune times. Nothing breaks you into parenthood like having to change a diaper and a set of clothes on a packed (and stalled) subway car and then scoop watery shit out of the stroller seat with a makeshift glove made up of diaper wipes and an old newspaper. 200 extra points are awarded to the baby for spraying you while you're doing it. 500 points are deducted from the assholes who stare at you like, "Is he really doing that...here?" No, I'm going to let my child stew in her own excrement for the next thirty minutes while Metro figures out how to get the train moving again.

Crying.
My daughter has singing in her future and I have the Joe Jackson school of managing to attend. She cries as though it's the last breath of life she'll ever get. You can literally hear her down the hall and around the corner from my apartment. It's the kind of cry that pierces your soul. You keep telling yourself that there is nothing wrong with her. She's been fed, changed, burped, she's passed gas, and her body temp is fine. She's just being an ass. Then you look over to assert yourself as the alpha dog and she looks up at you with watery eyes and before you know it, she's mind fucked you into picking her up and singing the same stupid song from Sesame Street four times in a row because it makes her smile.

Suffice to say, the baby has made me her bitch. But, it's a job that I'm willing to take. Now some people annoy the hell out of me when they give me that cliched "my kids are my life" crap. I want to say, go do something with yourself. But then I find myself thinking the same thing.

Here is a person who doesn't work, doesn't contribute in any way. She doesn't wash dishes, she doesn't let me know when my show comes back from commercial or anything. She cries whenever she isn't pleased, makes noise through all of the punch lines of the tv shows and decides to shit through her clothes just as the team gets to the red zone. I have to plan my trips around her and everything that made being a man cool is now gone. I can't just pick up and go when I want. I have to make sure I have bottles and the bottle cooler. Is there ice in it? Is there at least one room temperature bottle? Has she been changed? Did she go again? Is that just gas? Do I have at least one of her toys to tether to the car seat? Where is her other sock? Do I have enough bibs? Is this outfit warm enough for the walk to and from the car yet cool enough and breathable for the ride inside the car?

And after fifteen minutes...now we can go. Then she shits on the walk to the elevator.

You go through all of this every single day. You never get a break and just when you're ready to sit alone in a four cornered room staring at candles...she laughs or does something like she did yesterday where I laid on the floor beside her chanting "please go to sleep" and she rolled over onto her stomach, crawled clockwise in a circle until her face was lined up with mine put all her weight on one arm and lifted the other one up enough to touch my face and she smiled a big toothless grin with one little drop of slobber hanging out the side of her mouth and she held her hand there for about five seconds just staring into my eyes and then calmly put her hand back down, crawled counter clockwise so that she could see the tv again and went back into her own little world while I sat there dumbfounded as I realized that those cooks are on to something. This little girl really is my entire world.

Do you accept Baby?

The baby strikes again!

I went to Buy Buy Baby (the name really does say it all, doesn't it) to get a baby food maker and the guy at the register took pity on me and gave me $25 off. "Man you look like you just trying to do the best that you can with that baby and handle your responsibilities. Plus, this joint is expensive. Here's a coupon that somebody left behind."

Then I went to Bloomingdale's to buy my wife something and the two saleswomen went crazy over my daughter. "She's so cute. Look at how she smiles at me. She must like me..." I have no problem using my baby. So anyway, when I got to the register the same exact thing happened. First she did the usual, "If you put this on your [store] card then you could save 15%." I declined as usual and she was like, "Well since you have that pretty baby with you, I'll go ahead and give you the discount anyway."

Please, if you don't have one...go out and cop a new baby. They're like human coupons.

The Washington Redskins--A Conundrum Unto Themselves

The Redskins are just special. I promised myself that if I were going to successfully free myself from the grasp of Cowboys fandom then I'd have to cease and desist all cracks on the Redskins, but they are making it too damn tempting.

Last week was torture for me. I wanted to clown them on Facebook but I tried to hold true to my word. Even when they screwed up the snap at the end I kept my mouth shut. Today though...I can't contain myself. They benched Mcnabb. Not only benched, they made him third string.

Do you really demote a guy whose face is on every bus stop? I'm not saying he lived up to the hype. Hell no he didn't, but look at what he was working with. Every time a receiver screwed up or the defense phoned it in from the sidelines, he got up on that podium after the game and (homeless beard and all) took ownership like a team player should. The Redskins obviously don't believe in reciprocity. They threw his ass under the bus. Wait, he's 3rd string. They threw his ass under a bus and then blew the joint up.

I guess he'll be closing his Capital One Bank account and moving to Minnesota next year...too bad because "they're everywhere."