Perfect World Series, Part 1

In my previous post I talked about the need for parental reform. Since that is pretty much a pipe dream right now, I have some ideas that would look nice in my perfect world:

Right now any old person with a vagina or a penis can have a baby. I think that is totally irresponsible design by the manufacturer. I mean guns are fine if there are no children in the house, but what about the homes with little kids? Well since some of us are just little kids with adult reproductive systems, maybe we need a gun lock. So...

Edict #1: All people must be sterilized at birth

Now I know what you're thinking? How can we continue as a species? I'm not talking permanent sterilization, just the temporary kind. Perhaps the technology doesn't yet exist, but I'm sure the folks at Orthotricyclin and Apple (and maybe a little Google) can come together and make something that's effective yet reversible. It'd be cool if you could control it with a smartphone, but that's another story.

So okay, no one can have kids all willy nilly. What about when they want kids? Well, wanting isn't enough. I hear the gears turning in that big naive heart of yours. You think that if people have control then they will only have them when they want them. You're so cute for that thought, but you're wrong. No, no. We need regulation. You have to be 18 to smoke, 21 to drink and 25 to reproduce. Even then, you have to first go downtown to the Office of Child Production Services and get a license.

Edict #2: The Office of Child Production Services

No one under 25 is allowed to reproduce, period. Even at 25 each mate must present:

• A college diploma (work history may be considered)


• Two pay check stubs


• A copy of your mortgage or lease


• A recent credit report


• Bank statement


• Statement of intent (500 word minimum)

Candidates will be screened carefully over a one year period during which their ability to parent will be considered and compared against current parental benchmark data. Once approved, the reproductive organs will be reactivated and procreation will be authorized for one pregnancy. Following delivery, the organs will be deactivated once again.

So now what do we do with people who actually have kids? Good question. The answer? Not a damn thing. That's right...

Edict#3: There are no incentives for having children

Right now, we try to help families out. It's a nice thing to do, but a lot of people take advantage. A shit-load of people take advantage and we end up with dead beat parents and kids without a future, so no more incentives. When you treat having kids as a luxury and not as a God-given right, you expect a little more responsibility.Things that are gone with the new system:

• Child Support- You came together to make the child, you work together to keep it alive. There are no mediators anymore.


• Tax Credits- You had em, you pay for em.


• Food Stamps- See item the first two statements.


• Section 8/ Low Income Family Housing- Again, see statements one and two.

So what can we do to make sure people don't just abandon their kids? That's where Google, Apple and the implant folks come in...

Edict #4: Implants for everyone!

Each child and parent will have a chip implanted into their cerebral cortex and guess what? Those chips will be linked. When the child feels hungry, a timer will start. If the child's hunger is not satiated within a predetermined amount of time, an electric charge will be sent through the pain receptors of the parent's brain 5-10 times the magnitude of the child's hunger. The same goes for feelings of cold (no clothes) hot (no a/c), and abuse (it really does hurt me more than it hurts you). Since we're big on cracking down on perverts, anyone making sexual contact with a child or family member will have their implant emit a charge powerful enough to fry his brain...completely. No warning shots on that one.

Finally, I know there is one thing racking your brain: How does this relate to school reform?

Edict #5: Adult luxuries are linked to child performance

All tests, quizzes and report cards will feed into one system run by the Office of Child Production Services. This system is also linked with all banks, credit reporting agencies and the ACH payroll system. When a grade of C or lower is picked up by the system, a notice will be sent via email, postal mail and text message to the parent. If the grade is not brought up by the next period applicable punishments will be made to the parent including but not limited to:

• Payroll garnishment


• Suspension of cable television services


• Reduction of credit score in 80 point increments


• Automobile Repossession


• PTO loss


• Denial of any non-generic food purchases at grocery store

These are but a few of the ideas for the new society. Next time we'll discuss the optional adultery deterrent system built into the implant.

Parental Reform, Not School Reform

In an email chat with two of my friends the topic came up about helping disadvantaged kids. The three of us grew up in our own shitty parts of DC and have done pretty well for ourselves. Of the three, one of us is really big on giving back. The other two of us are pretty callous on the matter.

I'm not heartless, I just don't think it's a winnable war--That's the point I was trying to make. I grew up in school with wannabe pimps, thugs and hustlers and many of them graduated into that lifestyle. Most of them aren't around anymore. It's the usual story that you see on any TV drama so I'll fast-forward:

I don't feel any obligation to them.

Back then I tried my best to just get by in school without getting my ass whooped. Being a nerd in a DC Public School is like having a big target on your back that says insert bullet here. That's usually how it ends in urban schools: Ass whooped into submision with the Nigga, I aint shit, so you aint gonna be shit mentality or... you get shot. Maybe you're walking home from school or the grocery store or McDonalds and a bullet accidentally uses you to stop moving. Then they hold a funeral and say, He was a good kid.

I survived that. Thank God, I survived that. Do I really wanna go back into that?

To whom much is given, more is required.

I want to help, I want to make a difference, but something should be said about balance. Is it selfish to want to enjoy the spoils from the war on ignorance? Is it wrong to not want to fight an unwinnable war? I saw Officer Friendly, Sasha Bruce, The Boys and Girls Club and a bunch of other Wonder Brother programs come through my school. They made no difference whatsoever. Change requires 24-hour support. Two hours every Tues and Thursday did nothing but give the peanut gallery something else to chastise the kids about.

So what made me different? Better yet, what's the common denominator between my three friends? We all had strong parental involvement and we went to a nerdy high school. My grandmother would beat my ass if I said the wrong thing out of my mouth. My friends' parents beat them routinely just in case they got away with something that deserved punishment. As far as my high school, there are no thugs when everyone has a minimum 1000 SAT score. Add to that, the fact that the entrance exam included an interview of the parent by the faculty and you can understand what I'm getting at.

Until we get parental reform, school reform is a joke. You can't save kids by putting in two hours a day. That goes for the people who want to help and the people who should be helping--the parents.

Now, if we really want to get serious (or not so serious) about reform, I've come up with a few ideas in my next post. It's the first in a series of perfect world ideas.

What's Football Without the Hit?

The NFL wants to cut down on violent hits...

Why?

What is football without the hits? I'm still pissed at the whole roughing the passer thing. The quarterback is the most valuable and hardest to replace player. I get that. I still don't care. Football is about hitting. Besides hockey and boxing, it's the only sport where players understand the art of the hit.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't want anyone to die out there but I do want them to earn their paychecks. The worst player on any team gets a minimum of $250,000. The average fan earns about a tenth of that. So Joe Sucky makes ten times what you make to do the exact same thing you're doing: watch the game. The difference? He gets paid to do it, you don't. He gets to sit on the bench which trumps any seat that you could ever buy. He gets a real authentic jersey unlike the "authentic" jersey you bought at Foot Locker or the knockoff from Walmart. He has top-notch doctors and trainers keeping him healthy and in shape on the off chance that he's called into the game. You're getting fat eating junk food and drinking beer. He travels with the team and stays in fancy hotels. You spend away games watching from bars and your couch.

So what's my point?

Professional athletes get paid an insane amount of money to do something that most of us do on the weekends for free. We pay them because they can supposedly do it in an entertaining fashion. Every time we buy a ticket to a game, a NFL cable package, jersey, t-shirt, lunchbox, or video game we add money to their pot. Maybe that's more of a problem with us and less a problem with them. Fine, we'll talk about that another time.

I can go watch my friends play flag football if I don't want to see anyone get hurt. (By the way, they pay fees to play organized flag football--unlike the NFL where it's the other way around) I talked about Joe Sucky who gets $250k, but we all know that the big name guys get paid tens of millions of dollars...to throw and catch a ball!

The least you can do is get hurt! Unlike real jobs, you still get paid your full salary if you do make the injured list. You don't even have to worry about FMLA, disability insurance and reduced checks like your fans. Getting hurt is part of the sport. Suck it up. What are you afraid of, ending your career? Didn't you go to college (on a full scholarship, no less)? I'm sure you learned something with those private tutors and rigorous academic requirements. Fall back on your education while the rest of us try to pay off those school loans. If you fear injuries, then don't play. But if you do play, you can rest easy that there is a hefty paycheck in it for you.

Toucan Sam Succumbs To Bird Flu

The legendary actor was just 53 years old when he passed away at an Argentina hospital this morning. Flu related deaths are extremely rare in the animal kingdom, however doctors believe that a weakened immune system from years of drug abuse played a factor.

Some may recall that years ago the beloved spokesman for Kelloggs was arrested as part of a combined sting operation between various government agencies when anonymous sources close to the actor tipped authorities that Sam's trademarked slogan, Follow your nose, was actually a coded message advocating cocaine usage in children.

CNN Reports Bin Laden Hiding In Pakistan

CNN reports Bin Laden's new whack-a-mole-hole.

Who cares? It has been almost ten years since 9/11. Every couple of months they report the new hiding place of Bin Laden. If you really know where he is, why not go get him and then report back? Stop telling us about it. It's like they're trying to just raise our interest again.

9/11 didn't really phase me at first. On the day it happened, I was kind of in shock. I was in my second year of college and being from Southeast DC, I kind of shook it off like a lot of people in my peer group did. It took a few days for the magnitude of the day to hit me and then I started to get slightly paranoid as the news kept playing the crashes over and over and over.

That's when hearing Bin Laden's location was important. Nine years later, I just don't believe you really know where the hell he is and even if you do, I don't have faith that you'll actually find him before he inspires a bunch of clones to follow in his footsteps after you catch him.

So, please keep it to yourself CNN.

Thanks

The Funeral Needed A Disclaimer

My grandfather's funeral was Tuesday and prior to the funeral I asked my grandmother several times, "Did you warn the people at the church?" She kept telling me that it was unnecessary and didn't want to be bothered with that right now.

Knowing that she wasn't going to tell anyone ahead of time, I made it my point to sit on the front row during the funeral. On the one hand I wanted to be there to console her, but a small part of me wanted to see what would happen. It turned out to be one of the funniest funerals I've ever attended.

So here we are, me and my grandmother, sitting on the front row of the church a few feet away from my grandfather's casket. From the time the viewing began until the funeral actually started, I watched about fifteen people go through the same scenario:

"I'm so sorry for your loss, but God has a plan and you'll see him again one day."

(Then they turned to walk away)

"LORD JESUS!!!"

That's when I jumped up,

"That's his twin brother. It's okay. That's his twin! Are you okay?

lol

My grandmother and I laughed every single time it happened. Afterward, she agreed that I was right about perhaps warning the people at the church.

David Arquette and Courtney Cox Split?

David Arquette and Courtney Cox are splitting up?

Who the hell cares?

Remember when the news reported things that actually mattered? Why is this headline news for CNN? I don't care that much when people I know are getting divorced. I mean, I care but I don't care enough to put it on the front page.

Breaking News should be reserved for stuff like the Columbine Shootings, 9/11, the Minnesota Bridge collapse. Big stuff is Breaking News, not two people calling it quits.

Focus on what matters! Please!