I don't remember what I was watching but it had something to do with time travel and the thought popped in my head, "What would you do if you had a time machine." Everybody probably thinks that at some point. Does it make me a greedy bastard that my first thought was to go back to 1987 and go to McDonald's?
When I was five, McDonald's was the shit. As a matter of fact, all food was the shit in the late 80's. Me and the wife were at a diner one day and I got a Coke and the first thing out of my mouth was, "Taste this, it tastes like Cokes from back when we were little." I don't care what it was: Froot Loops, Filet-o-Fish, Now-and-Laters, even Cup o' Noodle soup--All of it tasted better back then.
What the hell happened? The natural assumption is that everything is overprocessed these days, but I highly doubt that back then they had a real chef cooking up soup and then drying it out to fit in those little cups. All I know is that food today sucks.
My fat man rant is over. Carry on.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Random Question
When you watch PBS all the time with your kid, you have to find ways to keep yourself sane. Today's thought is:
When the time comes, how do I explain to my daughter what The Count is? Explaining to her that he's a vampire just seems kind of...wrong. She'll ask what a vampire is and that'll just open a whole new set of questions. "So he sucks the blood out of people to stay alive?"
Of course that does make me wonder...Is that why all of the people I remember being on the show are gone? The Black guy had a wife back when I was a kid. I'm sure in reality she probably died, but on the show...did the people of Sesame Street sacrifice her to The Count since she was old anyway? What happened to that deaf lady? Was he kind of like a gas pump counting the quarts of blood as he drank them to death?
I'm just going to tell her that he's a politician, maybe a Republican, and that's why he crunches the numbers so much.
When the time comes, how do I explain to my daughter what The Count is? Explaining to her that he's a vampire just seems kind of...wrong. She'll ask what a vampire is and that'll just open a whole new set of questions. "So he sucks the blood out of people to stay alive?"
Of course that does make me wonder...Is that why all of the people I remember being on the show are gone? The Black guy had a wife back when I was a kid. I'm sure in reality she probably died, but on the show...did the people of Sesame Street sacrifice her to The Count since she was old anyway? What happened to that deaf lady? Was he kind of like a gas pump counting the quarts of blood as he drank them to death?
I'm just going to tell her that he's a politician, maybe a Republican, and that's why he crunches the numbers so much.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Broke Phi Broke, We Aint Got It!
Today I lost a shit load of money trading stocks, so much so that I'm considering quitting that for good. My wife's company got bought out and while the head honchos are saying, "There's nothing to worry about," they're packing up their desks and moving to new companies. And if that aint enough, those school loan payments are starting back up again. I'm on track to becoming president of the Washington, DC chapter of Broke Phi Broke Innnnnnncorporated!
It is with all of this in mind that I find myself thinking about those murder-suicides that kept popping up when the economy tanked back in '08-'09. The idea of killing myself and my family because I'm broke just seems...retarded. I know we're not supposed to use that word anymore, but nothing else comes to mind. I'm broke. People want money from me. I don't want to give it to them and guess what...I don't have to. Why? Because I'm broke. It sounds like a problem that solves itself.
Also, I grew up in a broke family. Correction: A broke-ass family. When your parents borrow money from you and you're a kid...yo ass is broke. I hope to never go back to the days where I have to eat food from the food bank, the government or be on food stamps, but guess what...I'd do that before I'd go killing myself.
Plus, I've been close to death already. It's not cool. I tell this story a lot, but it's a good story to tell:
My doctor told me that there was a mass in my liver that might be cancer. He left that shit on a voicemail at 4:55pm on a Friday. By the time I called back, the office was closed for the weekend. What made it so bad was that the call came a week after I had heart surgery. So imagine that you're 27 years old and you find out you have a life-threatening heart defect that could kill you at any moment. Then you find out you could die during the heart surgery. You come to grips with that, survive the procedure and a week later have someone tell you that instead of dying suddenly like the heart issue, you might die slowly over the next year or so due to cancer...and they tell you this on a voice mail.
In the words of the great Negro entertainer Katt Williams, "This shit right here, nigga..." trumps any "oh I'm broke and want to die" thought that might ever run through my damn head. I have one hell of a "I wanna live" mentality. So, on behalf of The Church of Unemployment where the Right Reverend Ordale J. Allen is our pastor, I want to encourage all of you to remember that being broke is a problem that solves itself. Also, Broke Phi Broke will be having a fish fry next Saturday behind the church.
It is with all of this in mind that I find myself thinking about those murder-suicides that kept popping up when the economy tanked back in '08-'09. The idea of killing myself and my family because I'm broke just seems...retarded. I know we're not supposed to use that word anymore, but nothing else comes to mind. I'm broke. People want money from me. I don't want to give it to them and guess what...I don't have to. Why? Because I'm broke. It sounds like a problem that solves itself.
Also, I grew up in a broke family. Correction: A broke-ass family. When your parents borrow money from you and you're a kid...yo ass is broke. I hope to never go back to the days where I have to eat food from the food bank, the government or be on food stamps, but guess what...I'd do that before I'd go killing myself.
Plus, I've been close to death already. It's not cool. I tell this story a lot, but it's a good story to tell:
My doctor told me that there was a mass in my liver that might be cancer. He left that shit on a voicemail at 4:55pm on a Friday. By the time I called back, the office was closed for the weekend. What made it so bad was that the call came a week after I had heart surgery. So imagine that you're 27 years old and you find out you have a life-threatening heart defect that could kill you at any moment. Then you find out you could die during the heart surgery. You come to grips with that, survive the procedure and a week later have someone tell you that instead of dying suddenly like the heart issue, you might die slowly over the next year or so due to cancer...and they tell you this on a voice mail.
In the words of the great Negro entertainer Katt Williams, "This shit right here, nigga..." trumps any "oh I'm broke and want to die" thought that might ever run through my damn head. I have one hell of a "I wanna live" mentality. So, on behalf of The Church of Unemployment where the Right Reverend Ordale J. Allen is our pastor, I want to encourage all of you to remember that being broke is a problem that solves itself. Also, Broke Phi Broke will be having a fish fry next Saturday behind the church.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Happy Birthday!
Can you believe that a year has gone by since I started this website? I can, and so can the people at GoDaddy because they canceled the damn site for non-payment. So, if you tried to find this site over the weekend, you probably got the "domain for sale" message.
So, for my website's birthday they got $12...and I got a bill. Cheers to the freakin weekend!
I'll drink to that!
So, for my website's birthday they got $12...and I got a bill. Cheers to the freakin weekend!
I'll drink to that!
Unfriend
I find myself becoming increasingly annoyed with Facebook. I've always maintained that Facebook is the highlight reel of people's lives. A friend of mine constantly gauges her success against what she sees on people's Facebook page. They're married, they have kids, they have good jobs. I keep reminding her that people tell you what they want you to hear. Yeah, some people are married with families and jobs. That means they have a lot more things going on in their lives and the more stuff going on in your life, the more room for error. Basically, just because you find yourself in a place different than those people you see on Facebook, it doesn't mean that they're better off. It's not like people gonna post, Jane's husband cheated on her and her son is getting held back a year in school. Oh, and Jane hates her fucking boss and is seriously underpaid.
But that's not even my reason for Facebook annoying me. The newsfeed keeps showing me more and more insight into people's lives and reminding me exactly why some people are JUST Facebook friends. I want to stay in touch with these people for nostalgic purposes. Occasionally, I drive through my old neighborhoods to go down memory lane, but that doesn't mean I want to move back into those shitty apartments. The same goes for some FB friends. The way I see it, people grow apart for various reasons. Lately my Newsfeed has been highlighting some of those reasons.
This doesn't apply to everyone. If you're one of my FB friends reading this post then more than likely it doesn't apply to you (lol).
But that's not even my reason for Facebook annoying me. The newsfeed keeps showing me more and more insight into people's lives and reminding me exactly why some people are JUST Facebook friends. I want to stay in touch with these people for nostalgic purposes. Occasionally, I drive through my old neighborhoods to go down memory lane, but that doesn't mean I want to move back into those shitty apartments. The same goes for some FB friends. The way I see it, people grow apart for various reasons. Lately my Newsfeed has been highlighting some of those reasons.
This doesn't apply to everyone. If you're one of my FB friends reading this post then more than likely it doesn't apply to you (lol).
Friday, August 5, 2011
Law Abiding Citizen
There's an article on CNN.com about a recent bust where about seventy people were arrested for belonging to this child porn website. I realize that I pay more attention to stories like that since my daughter was born. I usually just write the people off as being sick fucks, but this shit was on a whole different level. The site they were on required members to upload videos of them raping a child in order to join and view content. They had to post new shit frequently in order to keep membership and membership status was on a tiered system. The highest rank required the child to be screaming and visibly upset and devastated or some shit like that. I can't bring myself to go back and read it to get the wording right, but it was very fucking sick. What really pushed me over the edge was the part about them having categories on their site and Infants being a damn category.
They caught seventy of the people and they all face thirty years in prison. The Attorney General said basically what I'm saying now, thirty years isn't enough for what they did. I always hear that child molesters and rapists get what they deserve in prison, but even if they send them to one of those prisons from that show Lockdown, it isn't enough for me.
I have a daughter, she just turned one and it's sick shit like this that has made me so paranoid that I don't trust anyone to babysit. I don't even let my mother babysit and it isn't that I don't trust her. It's that I don't know when she might go visit a friend of hers and run to the bathroom or something and they might do something. A year ago I would've told you that I'd never shelter my child and that I wanted my daughter to grow up hood tough just like I did. When I was five I started catching the metrobus by myself. In NC I thought those kids were so soft because they were driven everywhere. Well, I'm eating crow because I won't let my child out of my sight because of shit like this.
So what do I think these guys deserve? First off, I'm not saying we just go kill people without a trial. They had to post videos to join the site, right? Well, let's go to the videotape! If John Doe is on camera and we, the jury, see him raping a child. He's guilty. But his ass ain't going to jail... at least not right away. We're going Law Abiding Citizen on his ass. I'm talking torture, smelling salts and blood transfusions to make sure that he experiences pain that pushes him just to the brink of death and then we pull him back, let him heal and start it all over again. Then he goes to jail and gets the shit beat out of him each day.
I don't even know how to end this post, because I'm so damn mad.
They caught seventy of the people and they all face thirty years in prison. The Attorney General said basically what I'm saying now, thirty years isn't enough for what they did. I always hear that child molesters and rapists get what they deserve in prison, but even if they send them to one of those prisons from that show Lockdown, it isn't enough for me.
I have a daughter, she just turned one and it's sick shit like this that has made me so paranoid that I don't trust anyone to babysit. I don't even let my mother babysit and it isn't that I don't trust her. It's that I don't know when she might go visit a friend of hers and run to the bathroom or something and they might do something. A year ago I would've told you that I'd never shelter my child and that I wanted my daughter to grow up hood tough just like I did. When I was five I started catching the metrobus by myself. In NC I thought those kids were so soft because they were driven everywhere. Well, I'm eating crow because I won't let my child out of my sight because of shit like this.
So what do I think these guys deserve? First off, I'm not saying we just go kill people without a trial. They had to post videos to join the site, right? Well, let's go to the videotape! If John Doe is on camera and we, the jury, see him raping a child. He's guilty. But his ass ain't going to jail... at least not right away. We're going Law Abiding Citizen on his ass. I'm talking torture, smelling salts and blood transfusions to make sure that he experiences pain that pushes him just to the brink of death and then we pull him back, let him heal and start it all over again. Then he goes to jail and gets the shit beat out of him each day.
I don't even know how to end this post, because I'm so damn mad.
Rise of the Planet of the Toddler
True story, no exaggerations:
I took my phone away from my daughter and put it on the back of the couch out of her reach. Now the couch is up against the wall in the living room and she isn't tall enough to climb up on the couch without help, so you can see my logic in putting the phone there. She got pissed, started screaming and when I wouldn't let her get the phone she got mad and went storming into the bedroom. She's only one, so she isn't old enough for the "who the hell are you yelling at" or the "I know you didn't just storm away from me" ass whoopings. I let it go and went in the kitchen.
I hear a noise and look over the bar to see her dragging the big empty Pampers box into the living room. Like most ghetto families, we feel that a cardboard box is a vast realm of fun and adventure for our child, so we don't throw them away. I thought she was going to get in the box or play with it or something. At no point did it enter my mind that she was going to turn the box upside down, push it over to the couch and then use it as a step ladder to climb onto the couch to get to my phone.
What in the hell do you do in that situation? She's only twelve months old so a part of me respects the ingenuity. Most kids have the memory and attention span of a fruit fly. For her to look opposition in the eye and go build a damn ladder is amazing. On the other hand, she did act like I wasn't even a factor in the whole process which shows just how little she thinks of me. I swear to God living with her is like living with one of those velociraptors from Jurassic Park. If she ever figures out how to open doors, it's over.
I took my phone away from my daughter and put it on the back of the couch out of her reach. Now the couch is up against the wall in the living room and she isn't tall enough to climb up on the couch without help, so you can see my logic in putting the phone there. She got pissed, started screaming and when I wouldn't let her get the phone she got mad and went storming into the bedroom. She's only one, so she isn't old enough for the "who the hell are you yelling at" or the "I know you didn't just storm away from me" ass whoopings. I let it go and went in the kitchen.
I hear a noise and look over the bar to see her dragging the big empty Pampers box into the living room. Like most ghetto families, we feel that a cardboard box is a vast realm of fun and adventure for our child, so we don't throw them away. I thought she was going to get in the box or play with it or something. At no point did it enter my mind that she was going to turn the box upside down, push it over to the couch and then use it as a step ladder to climb onto the couch to get to my phone.
What in the hell do you do in that situation? She's only twelve months old so a part of me respects the ingenuity. Most kids have the memory and attention span of a fruit fly. For her to look opposition in the eye and go build a damn ladder is amazing. On the other hand, she did act like I wasn't even a factor in the whole process which shows just how little she thinks of me. I swear to God living with her is like living with one of those velociraptors from Jurassic Park. If she ever figures out how to open doors, it's over.
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